Tag: special needs

The Three-Second Hug

This morning as I was walking alone in my neighborhood, a young man was walking ahead of me, with his father, arm in arm. I sensed that the young man had some sort of developmental disability, because they looked like Charlie and Jim walking, if Charlie was a teenager.

They stopped to look at something and I started to pass them.  The young man turned toward me.  I could see that he had Down syndrome. We both smiled.  He said hello and I said hello back. His father had an all-too-familiar look on his face, a combination of fear that the stranger would not be kind to his child as well as fear that his child would do something to make the stranger uncomfortable. Of course, I instantly wanted to put them at ease and tell him about Charlie but that’s never an easy topic to bring up with a complete stranger, and I didn’t want to make the son feel self-conscious.  It’s always so much easier to have those encounters when I actually have Charlie with me. So we just exchanged pleasantries and I kept walking.

Then the young man says from behind me, “I like your purse.” I stopped, turned around, and said, “Thank you!  It’s from India.” At this point, the dad looks increasingly uncomfortable at the son’s insistence to stay and engage me in conversation, shifting his weight from leg to leg, looking around for an exit.  I know that feeling very well.

The son said, “I love Indians!” I smiled, charmed, and said, “So do I! And I love Indian food too!”

He said “Do you love huggable Indians?” At which point his dad is totally stressed out, barking, “OK, OK!” to his son.

Then the son says, “Can I have a hug?”

I said, “Sure!”

Before I could open my arms, the father jumps in, clearly dying inside (but probably also wondering why this lady is not acting the least bit uncomfortable right now), and the father exclaims, “Three second hug! Three second hug!” This is also familiar to me.  Charlie has several “catch phrases” that Team Charlie uses to redirect negative behaviors.  One of our big ones is “Wait, wait, wait!”

The young man and I shared a three-second hug.  To the father’s visible surprise, I followed the Hug Protocol without missing a beat:  we all counted out loud during the hug:  “One, two, THREE!”

It was a really good hug, and completely innocent and appropriate. He just wanted a hug from the nice lady with the beautiful, Indian purse.

I turned to his father, mustering all of the kindness that I possibly could with my eyes, and said, almost whispering, “My son gets help with learning how to give three-second hugs from The Arc.”

I could see a look of relief wash over him as I smiled and said goodbye.

Genetic Testing, Precision Medicine, and Research: Advice From Veteran Caregivers

I received this note from Charlie’s genetic counselor just last week.

“Hi Danielle,

Results did just come back, and there was no definitive diagnosis- a copy of the report is attached for your records.  Therefore, we will move forward with getting Charlie’s information enrolled in EGI.  There was one variant identified in a gene called MTOR- changes in this gene have been identified in some children with autism spectrum disorders, epilepsy, and differences in brain formation, however these are typically de novo (only in the child), whereas Charlie’s variant was inherited from his father.  This makes it much less likely that this is the cause of Charlie’s differences.”

And with that, the mystery of why my Charlie had infantile spasms, a rare and devastating form of pediatric-onset epilepsy, deepened.

How did I feel at that moment?

Heartbroken: I knew in my head that the odds of getting an answer were slim, but my heart hoped we would find out anyway.

Discouraged: I put a lot of work into getting this test approved by insurance and scheduled, only to have my hopes dashed.

Relieved: At least they didn’t find anything, well, more awful than I already know he has.

Angry: I am so, so, so sick of all of this. Sick, sick, sick, sick of epilepsy.

Self-pity: Why is this happening to me and my child? Why can’t we get SOMETHING to go right for us?

Denial: is it possible they just don’t know everything? Could they be wrong? Could it be this MTOR, or perhaps, GABRG2, the mutation that they found on the last test that he inherited from me? How could it NOT be inherited, since my uncle died in childhood from epilepsy?

Curious: Why is Charlie like this? Is it genetic? There must be an answer.

HOPEFUL: thanks to the Epilepsy Genetics Initiative , Global Genetic Variants Registry, and other research opportunities happening for kids with epilepsy right now.

When we first embarked on our journey with infantile spasms, I turned to online caregiver support groups for advice. The known causes of infantile spasms are numerous and range from genetic mutations to stroke to brain malformation. Some parents know the cause at the time of diagnosis, but many of us do not. Every parent’s first question is, “Why?” What did I do to cause my child to be so sick? Is it something I did when I was pregnant? Some environmental exposure or medication that I took? Could it be the glass of wine I had before I found out that I was pregnant, or all the diet soda that I drank?”

We are almost relieved to find out that very often, a completely random and unpreventable genetic mutation is the culprit, but then we start to worry about what genetic testing might discover. “If I have other children, will I pass it on to them? Does the genetic mutation cause problems in other organs? How long do children with this mutation usually live?“

Again and again, the subject of genetic testing came up in the discussion forums, but I didn’t understand any of it. Up to that point, I had limited academic coursework in genetics required of my Master’s in Public Health program. Indeed, many of the current hot topics in genetics were in their infancy fifteen years ago when I started graduate school. In my professional life as a clinical research data analyst, I often work on research projects involving patients with rare diseases that have genetic causes, but always AFTER their mutations were identified, not before.

I knew nothing about genetics or mystery diseases. I was just like many of you reading this right now.

My fellow “cryptogenic” (mystery cause) parents repeatedly discussed the different genetic “panels” to request from our neurologist. At that time, there was one that looked at 53 genes commonly linked to infantile spasms. Since those days more than six years ago, the “epilepsy gene panel” has expanded. Back then, most of the parents I know who received positive results from genetic testing then went on to one of a few wonderful, large patient support communities. A terrific group that comes to mind is the Tuberous Sclerosis Alliance (for people with TSC1 or TSC2 mutations).

These smaller, narrow panels leave many of us with no idea why our child is having seizures, and therefore, what other medical conditions they are at risk to develop, which medicines to avoid, and no support group to help us care for our children throughout their lifespan.

Take heart.

There is hope.

The whole exome looks at a lot more than the smaller epilepsy panels.  However, when scientists analyze your child’s whole exome, they are looking for KNOWN mutations. New mutations are constantly being discovered and added to the list that they check for during testing. Mutations become known when people with epilepsy get their whole exome analyzed and sent to researchers who can dig deeper and identify new mutations.

That’s why it’s really, really important for all of us “unknowns” to get our kids’ whole exomes into the big genetic data pipeline, so scientists can have more people to look at, compare, and discover what’s wrong with our kids.

Some other caregivers, and even people in my own life, have asked me, “Why do you want to know? Isn’t it best to leave well enough alone? He’s already experienced years of brain damage from thousands of seizures, and has lost a big part of his brain to brain surgery. Knowing his mutation won’t change Charlie’s outcome, so why put yourself through this pain?”

Here are my own personal reasons for pursuing a genetic cause for Charlie’s epilepsy:

Precision medicine: knowing the exact mutation(s) can lead to targeted therapies for Charlie, therapies that could significantly improve his health, quality of life, and development. It is inaccurate to state that knowing his mutation now, after years of brain-damaging seizures and two brain surgeries, will not change his outcome. We just don’t know what a targeted therapy might do for Charlie.

Currently, most epilepsy treatment protocols for mystery kids like Charlie involve throwing medication after medication at them, in random order or at the preference of the physician, and hoping something works. In fact, most parents are told early on that if three medications are tried and fail, the odds of any pharmaceutical working at that point are slim. Something that works for one kid doesn’t work for the other, and nobody knows why, because we don’t understand the underlying issue that made our kids sick in the first place. It’s like not knowing that there’s a connection between glucose and diabetes. How would they ever have come up with insulin as a treatment without that basic understanding of the functions of the body that regulate glucose? It’s pretty much a crap shoot, and it’s always hard to say which med is helping or hurting, especially when the child is on two, three, four, or even more anti-epileptic treatments at a time. All of the medications have side effects, some worse than others, and the medications themselves can trigger seizures when they are withdrawn.

Knowing a mutation would allow scientists to target the specific problem, kid by kid, so that we can avoid trial-and-error crap shoot mystery diagnosis epilepsy care. This is madness, and we, as parents, have the power to make a HUGE contribution to the solution by participating in genetic studies like the Epilepsy Genetics Initiative.

Research: knowing his mutation(s) puts Charlie first in line for any study of those mutation(s), including clinical trials of new drugs that could lead to a targeted therapy for him. I don’t want a study to pass us by because, as a mystery kid, we don’t meet the inclusion criteria of a specific mutation.  For example, as soon as I find out his mutation, I can enroll in the Global Genetic Variants Registry, and receive notification whenever we are eligible to participate in a study.

Support: If there are other kids out their like Charlie, with the same combination of symptoms, I want to meet them. Maybe it won’t be until our kids’ data are roommates in the same research database that it is discovered that there is more than one Charlie out there.

Imagine if your kid had diabetes, but you didn’t know it was called diabetes. How would you meet other parents online who also had kids with the same symptoms, if you couldn’t Google ‘diabetes?’ The diagnosis makes all the difference in finding support. This is especially true for those kids who were never diagnosed with a syndrome or condition like infantile spasms (IS) or Lennox-Gastaut Syndrome (LGS). While the associated organizations do not represent specific genetic causes, there is strong support in the general IS and LGS communities that is not available to mystery kids without these diagnoses.

Access to services: Understanding and documenting the severity of his mutation(s) will help me to justify therapy and education services.

Medication safety: knowing his mutation(s) would also tell us which medications he SHOULD NOT HAVE, as some medications can make seizures worse in kids with certain mutations.

Overall health: Certain mutations that cause epilepsy also cause problems in the eyes, heart, kidneys, and/or skeletal systems, just to name a few. These problems might not become clinically apparent until long after the epilepsy presents itself. Knowing Charlie’s mutation(s) can help me to be proactive and start relationships with specialists who can follow Charlie and prevent complications that may arise.

Another “bonus” that often comes with genetic testing for epilepsy is the opportunity to learn about additional genetic mutations that you or your child might have that could cause diseases.  For example, sometimes the tests will also reveal if you have the most common mutations that are implicated in breast cancer.

Family history: Knowing his mutation(s) allows me to make other family members aware, especially if this is an inherited condition. And if it’s not an inherited condition, this information will give us all a sense of relief.

Closure: because I’m his mother, and I deserve to know.

So how do we go about getting the whole exome done and sent to researchers? I will give it to you straight:  most of the time, the burden is on you, the caregiver, to initiate this process, and the system does not make it easy for us.  It is a battle worth fighting, for so many reasons.

You will almost certainly hit roadblocks early on, most likely with the insurance company. In addition, it might be difficult to schedule the tests, especially if both parents need to have blood drawn on the same day.  Sometimes, you can arrange in advance to have the tests scheduled with clinical blood draws at your next visit, but this can be a challenge to arrange, or when you get to the lab, they might not know what you are talking about, your husband’s name isn’t in the system so he has to wait for his blood draw, your kid is hungry, you still have to drive an hour to get home and pick up your other kid at school…I know, I know, believe me!

By the time you hit your first genetics testing obstacle,  you have put so much time and effort into it that you will feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and very sick of pushing for something that will not provide immediate seizure relief for your child.  You will want to throw in the towel and say to heck with the whole thing. You may feel like you don’t have it in you to fight for this on top of everything else. I hear you. I have been there. PLEASE don’t give up, for all the reasons I listed above. Luckily, you have me and many other experienced parents who are ready and able to help you through it.

The first step is to ask your child’s neurologist if a gene panel or whole exome testing is right for you.

I will be blunt. Insurance companies can be total jerks about covering genetic testing, and it can be cost prohibitive to pay for the whole thing out of pocket. Parents often complain to me that they feel “priced out“ of genetic testing. That is absolutely shameful. I hate to hear that. Have no fear, I have found some ways around insurance rejections.

After our first brain surgery but before our whole exome testing, our brilliant neurogenetics doctor wanted to see if Charlie had a certain mutation because the next drug on our list was contraindicated for that particular mutation. In other words, if he had the mutation, that drug could make his seizures a lot worse. The insurance company rejected our request for coverage of the test, citing that it wasn’t “medically necessary.”

That particular rejection really got to me.  I had lost all faith in humanity.

Fortunately, the doctor and dedicated genetic counselor at our hospital spent a lot of time and effort educating the health insurance company and, eventually, getting the decision overturned. If you get rejected, ask your genetics counselor to get involved and advocate for a reversal.

Something else parents need to know is that many genetic testing companies offer patient assistance programs to people whose insurance won’t cover genetic testing, usually limiting your out-of-pocket expense to $100 or less. Check with the company and your genetics department about this option if your genetic testing is rejected by insurance.  If you need some advice on this, send me an e-mail:  danielle@neurologyparent.org.

Once your genetic testing is completed, you should explore research studies. Usually, it’s just a matter of consenting to let your doctor or lab send the test results, medical history, and/or blood sample to the study team.  Start by asking your neurologist about studies. If your mutation has a support group or nonprofit organization associated with it, reach out to them. Look up any clinical trial through clinicaltrials.gov. As I mentioned before, for epilepsy, I highly recommend the Epilepsy Genetics Initiative (EGI). Note that you don’t need to have a known mutation to participate. In fact, one of the goals of EGI is to make those discoveries!

For those of you with KNOWN mutations, you can join up with researchers around the world. Our friends at the Global Genetic Variants Registry have just launched their website here. The purpose of their site is to link families with genetic epilepsies with researchers, possibly on the other side of the world, to understand the genes of epilepsy and find new treatments.

Finally, I reached out to my own network, Neurology Parent Professionals, for advice for families who are facing the prospect — or aftermath — of genetic testing.  Here is some of their advice:

“Make an in-person appointment with a genetic counselor and make sure they explain the mutation in a way that you can understand.  Ask a few key questions at the appointment, such as:

  • Is this definitely a pathogenic mutation?
  • How does it affect or potentially affect the child? This way you get set up with the right specialists right away such as cardiologist, ophthalmologist, physical medicine, etc.
  • Is gene therapy an option for this specific mutation, either now or in the future?

Research away, education is power, learn as much as you can- read it even if it doesn’t make sense right now, it will eventually as you continue to learn. Google it often, as there’s constant updates in genetic research right now

I know everyone is in a different place in their journey and some may not be able to jump right into advocacy but as soon as you are ready, get involved!”

–Leah

“Starting the process to access services if applicable is necessary to learn and initiate even though it is a stressful time. Every State has different case loads, waiting lists, evaluations etc.  Become proficient on the ins and outs of your insurance. Do you need referrals? What quality and quantity of services are provided by the plan? Does your State bill for services or do they bill your insurance? Know that pharma offers services to absorb medical costs. Last, try not to become overwhelmed. It’s a lot that has to be accomplished but just stay calm. It’s a marathon, not a sprint (most of the time but not always).”

–Andrea

“Just because they find other kids with that same mutation doesn’t mean they are “Apple to Apple.” They may have other mutations that play into it, a larger mutation, and other factors play in. So, just because you find like families you may not find like kids.”

–Holly

I hope that you find this post useful as you navigate your own genetic testing odyssey. The goal of my blog is always to write posts that I wish were available to me when Charlie and I were just starting out. As always, please don’t hesitate to contact me or comment below, with any questions or suggestions.

Helpful resources

How to Research Your Child’s Medical Condition Like A Pro

Genetic and Rare Disease Information Center: Support for Patients and Families

Epilepsy Genetics Initiative

YouTube Course:  Useful Genetics from University of British Columbia

Global Genetic Variants Registry

Rare Epilepsy Network

Clinicaltrials.gov  Look up clinical research studies in the US

How to create Google news alerts (put your mutation name or syndrome in and get an alert every time it is mentioned online)

NIH Precision Medicine Initiative Cohort Program  This is a very educational website for people interested in learning more about precision medicine.

Special Sounds

I’m sure your water didn’t really break.  You must be imagining that.

In this day and age, 34 week preemie is nothing.

He’s meeting his milestones.  Stop worrying.

It’s too early to say there’s anything wrong with him,  let alone autism.

It’s just teething.

It’s just a growth spurt.

It’s probably nothing.

Try to catch it on video.

Sometimes moms get nervous.

Have you been checked for postpartum anxiety?

We think it’s infantile spasms, but we can’t tell you for sure until tomorrow.

The price of that drug is so high that we don’t offer it here for ethical reasons.

He’s one  of the lucky ones.

I knew if we prayed enough he would be cured.

He won’t need early intervention.

We didn’t properly review the first MRI.

One hundred seizures per day is your new normal.  Unless he has more than that for ten days straight, I don’t want to hear it.

That kind of surgery is not for kids like him.

There is nothing more we can do.

He is not sick enough for nursing services.

He’s too sick for day care.

God only gives special children to special parents.

He doesn’t qualify for speech therapy because he can’t talk.

I call the spasm seizures “Superman seizures” because their arms go up.  It’s a cuter way for my patients’ parents to look at it.

I think a three-piece puzzle is an unrealistic goal.

Wraparound isn’t for kids with infantile spasms.

I wish I was that flexible.

I wouldn’t worry about getting him glasses.  He doesn’t do anything besides play with his iPad.

Did you know when you were pregnant that something was wrong with him?

I know exactly how you feel.  My dog had seizures.

Will he grow out of it?

He will grow out of it.

He has plenty of time to catch up.

 

Your claim has been rejected.

Your claim has been rejected.

Your claim has been rejected.

 

Your request has been denied.

Your request has been denied.

Your request has been denied.

 

He is no longer seeing new patients.

Fill out this form.

Call this number.

We need more documentation.

He has been dropped from…

We no longer cover…

Will he ever…

She is on sabbatical.

That ketogenic diet cannot possibly be good for him.

If he is hungry enough, he will eat.

How long do you think he will live?

He sure seems happy!

Call the Neurology Fellow On Call.

What are those toxic medications doing to his body?

I only feed my child organic.  I hate to give my child Tylenol.

Is Charlie excited about Santa?

Did he even notice you were gone?

Why don’t you just leave him at home?

Are you going to put him in a home?

If you have insurance, why do you need a fundraiser?

Was it a complicated pregnancy?

Did you take any medications during your pregnancy?

Do you think your age when you had him had anything to do with it?

There is a six-year wait for that benefit in this State.

If you fail three medications, the odds of anything working are almost nil.

We don’t think he really has autism, but it’s the only way to get services.

Can he talk?
Can he walk?
Can he feed himself?

 

You don’t qualify for the study.

We can’t watch him by ourselves.

That drug isn’t legal in this State.

Just Google a list of approved private schools and visit all of them.

I can’t tell you that without an evaluation.

We can discuss that at the IEP meeting.

I wouldn’t go without an advocate.

It’s time to renew…

We can always go back in again and take out more of his brain.

We have never tried…

Why does he drool so much?

 

Is he retarded?

 

Would you like to participate in a study?

The results of this study will not benefit you or your child directly but..

Have you gone to Dr. Rockstar?

We no longer accept your insurance.

Please send in diapers and wipes.

Technically, it’s a wheelchair.

He looks so normal.

There’s a waiting list for

…but we don’t have one at this school.

…but we don’t have one in this County.

He isn’t making progress.

He’s doing great…for him.

Are you going to wear purple today?

Are you going to the epilepsy walk?

Do you know a good neurologist in…

Does that really work?

Do you think it’s helping?

She’s not officially trained to do that but it’s pretty common sense.

Even if we do find a mutation, there’s a good chance we won’t know what it means.

…but they are not allowed to change diapers.

Most kids with infantile spasms don’t do half as well as him.

He seems so happy.

I don’t know how you do it.

You have to be at home to sign for it.

He’s too old for…

He’s too young for…

The attending will stop by and then we will try to discharge you sometime today or tomorrow.

He doesn’t have the right diagnosis for…

Too bad you don’t live there.

Have you ever read Flowers for Algernon?

Please help.  My child was diagnosed with infantile spasms today.

 

Please hold.

Please hold.

Please hold.

Closing my eyes in church

“May I bring the Eucharist back here to your seat?”

Church Lady was crisp and tan, summery and sweet, in her black and white gingham dress and full skirt.  She had a perfect, tasteful pedicure and low-heeled sandals.  Perfectly appropriate and approachable in every way. She was pretty like those self-deprecating moms in the viral videos who make fun of their “real mom bodies” and talk about their parenting failures but in reality are gorgeous and perfect and fashionable by any standard.  She was a walking Talbots commercial.  I was a sweaty mess from pushing that wheelchair in the scorching heat, disheveled and exhausted from Charlie’s 3 AM wake up call, jolted awake wondering if he was having a seizure or just had his days and nights mixed up again.

She caught me in such an emotional moment.  I burst out crying right in her face.

“It’s really no bother.”

I could sense her getting emotional for me, when she realized I was crying.

I politely sent her away.

“Are your allergies bothering you again, Mom?” said my eight-year-old daughter, who, thankfully, did not make the transition between me patiently telling her to sit up straight and not say, “Yo!” as her greeting during the sign of peace to my overwhelming grief in that hot chapel in late July.

“Yes, sweetie.  You know I have bad allergies.”

I have taken Ryan and Charlie to church twice now since moving to our new town.  Both times, the people in my life wonder aloud, “Why would you do that to yourself and everyone at church?  Why don’t you just leave him at home?”

I go to church to seek support and find a sense of community.  There is no way that the community can support me without meeting Charlie and seeing my daily life.  There is just no way.  Saying, “my son at home had two brain surgeries, has profound cognitive impairment, and autism” doesn’t do justice to the constant care he requires during all of his waking moments.  It simply needs to be experienced.

He is my child, and he has every right to be there, just like the “neurotypical” babies who squawk in the pews but, eventually, grow out of it.  Charlie is my big boy, sitting in the aisle in his wheelchair, sometimes half-singing the Wonder Pets song at the top of his lungs, sometimes dumping the contents of my purse all over the aisle, laughing as my makeup, coins, credit cards, and keys  scatter everywhere.  Sometimes he claps and cheers for no apparent reason.  He is no different from any toddler, only my stories of how he misbehaved at church will never be past tense.

The first day, I was so self-conscious.  Charlie was making a lot of nonsensical noise, singing and screeching, taking his shoes and socks off and throwing them.  Of course people are going to turn around.  I would, too, because that’s what you do when you hear a strange noise.  You turn around.

I wanted to crawl under a rock and die.

I was so self-conscious by all the people turning around, but I was determined to stay.  So I closed my eyes and tried to find peace, listening to the priest and finding comfort in the prayers I have been saying since I was old enough to speak.  I smiled gracefully and, sometimes, winced, when he was particularly disruptive.  I could feel their eyes burning a hole in me.

That first time, we chickened out and left about ten minutes early after Charlie urinated all over himself and the aisle.

There is something that happens when hundreds of people experience your suffering all at the same time.  You see your life through their eyes.  All the little things you have gotten “used to” suddenly brought to the surface.  It is sad and painful and overwhelming and devastating but also beautiful and liberating and cathartic.

I want to be a part of life.  I want to take my kids places like everyone else.  I want to live my life without thinking about who is going to be capable of watching him, if his noises are going to upset everyone.  I just want to be a regular mom and take my kids to church.  I want my daughter to have these ordinary experiences.  And I want others to bear witness not just to my suffering, but to my joys.

In those 60 minutes of Mass, I see through their eyes the horror of the level of Charlie’s impairment, how much work his care requires, how exhausting it is to be his caregiver.  But I see something else through their eyes:  a devoted mother of both children who is determined to listen to the homily, teach her daughter morals and discipline, and not let Charlie’s condition make her compromise the type of upbringing that she wants her daughter to have and that her daughter deserves.  My kids are far too important to slip through the cracks because I am not brave enough to meet their gaze.

I am starting to feel their respect as much as their pity.

I will keep bringing him, and each week I will greet my fellow parishioners, who so far have all been so compassionate with their words, deeds, and kind glances. When I become overwhelmed by the energy coming my way, yes, I will simply close my eyes.

 

 

Growing up is hard to do: transitioning your child with special needs

I am the first to admit that the idea of transitioning Charlie to adulthood absolutely freaks me out.  I am FINALLY all settled with the doctors, therapists, schools, systems, insurance, and programs and I will have to do it all over again in what seems like a few short years?

I find that a lot of the resources out there for transitioning kids with chronic illnesses are aimed at kids who are capable of  becoming independent advocates for themselves.  My Charlie has a profound intellectual disability and will probably never be able to fully communicate his medical history, wants, and needs to a health care provider or live independently.  It is very possible that I will always have to be his voice and make decisions for him.  This adds a really challenging layer to my transition planning, so I need to start early.

Here are some of my questions/worries about transition:

  • Will he live with me or in a group home?
  • Where are the group homes?
  • What if the group homes are horrible like the institutions I saw on 60 Minutes? How can I find a nice one?
  • What happens at these places?  What will his life be like?
  • How will I pay for the group home?
  • If he stays with me, how will I take care of him alone?  He’s only six and it’s already difficult to bathe him alone. Can I get an aide to help me?
  • What are some things I will need to look out for at his IEP meetings as he gets older?
  • If Charlie is eventually able to work, are there rules about how much money is he allowed to make?
  • How will his Medical Assistance and other benefits change?
  • How do Social Security benefits fit in with all of this?
  • What forms will I need to fill out?  What are the associated timelines and deadlines?
  • Will I need to make myself his legal guardian?  How does that work?
  • Will his sister have to play a role in any of this?
  • Are my assets protected if Charlie needs expensive care?
  • Are my parents allowed to leave money to Charlie in their will?  If so, how much, and under what circumstances?
  • What is our children’s hospital’s policy on transition?
  • What doctor will Charlie see when he is transitioned to adulthood?
  • How will all of his medical records get transferred?

What will happen to Charlie if anything happens to me?

I am currently in the early stages of this process and will update these links and this narrative as time goes on.  However, although incomplete, I hope this helps you in your exploration of transition resources for your child.

The first thing I recommend is that you create a personalized advocacy toolkit so that you have your information totally organized and an entourage of helpers when this transition starts to happen.  Send to your team your own list of transition questions and you will get a wealth of information in return!

Don’t forget to e-mail your social workers and case managers at the hospital and school system and ask them to explain what to expect in the transition process.  If it happened today, to which medical center would they refer you? (you probably have some idea, but ask anyway).  Is there a program in place at the hospital to assist with transition?  Can they put you in touch with a family with similar circumstances to yours who has successfully transitioned?

Go to your local social media group (the one you identified or created as part of your personalized advocacy toolkit) and ask if anyone has gone through this transition process.  When you find someone, ask if they can post about their experiences and recommend helpers like social workers, financial planners, and lawyers who were particularly useful in this process.  Just asking the question is guaranteed to launch a lively discussion, and it will be great to hear the experiences of families who live in your area.

Next, go to the Child Neurology Foundation (CNF) page on transition.  Every time I go to their site I say, “WHOAH!  Where has this been all my life?”  I am so thankful that they put together this page. It’s really, really good, and not only for people with neurological conditions.

I want to highlight some of the other links that will be particularly useful to my readers:

Disability.gov has a page on transition that has some great resources.

Foster care:  For people with disabilities who went through the foster care system, this guide from the Florida Division of Vocational Rehabilitation is absolutely wonderful.

State resources:  Got Transition has a list of links to your State’s transition resources.  The American Bar Association’s Adult Guardianship Handbook by State is also terrific.

Financial planning:  this Special Needs Financial Planning blog post breaks it all down nicely.

Education and Employment:  The Center for Parent Information and Resources has a great overview on transition in the school setting that is helping me to get oriented to all that is involved.  You should already know about this group from when you created your personalized advocacy toolkit.

Social Security Compassionate Allowances List: In response to complaints about long waits for the Social Security Administration (SSA) to make determinations for Social Security disability benefits (SSDI) or Supplemental Security Income (SSI), SSA now offers a Compassionate Allowances program that expedites the application process for people who have certain conditions.  Find out if your child’s condition is on the list.

As you can see, I have a lot more questions than answers about Charlie’s transition to adulthood, but at least I am armed with all of the information that I need to make his transition go as smoothly as possible.

What are your experiences with transition?  Do you have any great advice or resources to share?  I would love to hear from you in the comments below!

 

The Wishing Star

The other day, Ryan was sad because she thought I love Charlie more.   I asked why she feels that way and she says because I don’t make him dress himself, brush his own teeth, use the bathroom, or do other things that I ask her to do for herself.

I explained that I wish he could do those things and it makes me very sad that he might never be able to.   I said every mother wishes to have a healthy child who will grow up, go to school, get married, and have children.  I said I wish for all of those things and I am sorry I don’t show that sometimes, but I am only trying to be strong for her.

Ryan left the room and came back with this: a Wishing Star.

“You can wish on this, Mommy.”

How to make a personalized advocacy toolkit for your child

As a coach for parents of children with neurological conditions and developmental disabilities, I receive many questions about obtaining services through government agencies, financing medical care, and addressing disability rights violations.

It can be especially tricky to get the specific information that you need because of your child’s unique circumstances, differences in State laws, and the type of issue that you are having (insurance, housing, school).

No matter what the issue is, I almost always refer families to a set of tools that I like to think of as a personalized advocacy toolkit.  Any parent can make their own toolkit and use it to advocate for their child.

The goal is to be prepared to give organized information about your child’s condition to a network of familiar advocates who can be mobilized at a moment’s notice.

First and foremost, before starting this process, you must repeat this mantra:  I AM NOT A BOTHER.  I AM NOT A BOTHER.  The people in the list below get paid to help you, and even if they didn’t, they would be honored to help a deserving parent like you.

Let’s begin.

Make a one-page fact sheet about your child’s condition, and keep it on hand electronically and hard copy.   The fact sheet should include:

  • overview of the condition
  • how the condition affects your child
  • links to further reading

You can whip out this fact sheet whenever someone asks about your child’s condition — at an IEP meeting, with a new nurse or therapist, or when you are contacting an elected official.

Create a timeline of medical events in your child’s life.  This should be as brief as possible (easier said than done), and like the one-page fact sheet, it will make it easier to communicate to individuals who are trying to help you.

Create a care binder to organize all of your child’s medical information including your fact sheet and timeline.  Seattle Children’s The Center for Children with Special Needs offers this downloadable kit.

Make a list of all of the advocacy and research organizations for your child’s condition and get to know the staff.  I am so fortunate that the epilepsy world has many wonderful nonprofits who have Charlie’s back, such as the Child Neurology Foundation, the Tuberous Sclerosis Alliance, The Infantile Spasms Project,  and the Lennox-Gastaut Syndrome Foundation, just to name a few.  Once you make your own list, find out if these groups have State and regional contacts in your area and reach out to them.  Often, these groups have employees or volunteers that are dedicated to helping parents solve problems related to access to care.  Sign up for their newsletters and find them on social media.

Know your State resources. Every State has at least one Parent Training and Information Center (PTI) to assist families of children with disabilities.  Use this interactive map to find your PTI!  This post tells you all about how to find State Medicaid waiver resources.

Get to know your pharmaceutical companies. If your child takes medication, find out if the manufacturer has advocacy programs, such as patient assistance to cover co-pays and other grant programs.  Some have other great resources such as regional meetups and caregiver blogs.  RxAssist is a good way to locate patient assistance programs.  Needymeds.org is another great resource!

Know NORD.  The National Organization for Rare Disorders has many patient assistance programs and other resources to help families with a variety of situations.

Maintain a list of grant programs.  Check out my resource page!  You might also try the Foundation Center’s page for grantseeking for individuals.

Put your hospital social worker on speed dial.  Social workers are incredible, magical people who are here to support you and your child.  My son’s social worker just got him approved for home health aide hours after I tried and failed.  When in doubt, tell the social worker.

Meet your elected officials:  find your elected officials here and send them a note.  Better yet, if possible, visit them in person, even before you need their help.  When you are in a jam, especially involving State or Federal benefits, housing, or other areas that touch on public policy, send them a letter requesting their intervention.   The American Library Association has a sample letter that you can customize for your circumstances.

Find (or create) a social media group for the community of families at your local hospital.   The beauty of this group is that it allows you to meet other parents of children with a variety of conditions, but who share the same providers.  If you only stick with groups for your child’s condition, you will miss a wealth of knowledge (and new friends).  My local Facebook group is quite active and is terrific for troubleshooting issues ranging from parking at the hospital to recommending providers.  ).

Find a lawyer or know how to find one.  I love Wrightslaw’s Yellow Pages for Kids.  Identify your local pro bono health law group, often run in affiliation with law schools.  Mine is the Pennsylvania Health Law Project and they are so helpful, especially when there is a problem with Charlie’s Medical Assistance.

For education matters, check out Understood.

Now that you have your toolkit, you are prepared for almost anything that comes your way! Don’t forget to update it every six months or so, and touch base with your favorite organizations frequently in case of staff turnover so that you know exactly who to call when you need help!

I would love for you to share your favorite resources with me in the comments!

What it is like to have Charlie for a brother

siblingBy Ryan Madeline Enderson, age 7
(Edited for spelling and some punctuation by Mom)

Here is a good thing about it: he is funny because he says, “ok …BUM!” And Momma and me think it is very funny. Here is something annoying:  In the morning my brother always wakes us up in like 6:30 AM and squawks his head off.  Not really.  And sometimes when he has seizures he has to get brain surgery and he has a wheel chair with special needs.  And rarely we go to church because my brother echos in it so we have to leave early.  In church you are supposed to listen to the person who is talking like at school.

I love Charlie very much.